Harry Potter, and a bit of Python
by Shantazzar
Summary: Harry Potter and Monty Python clash
1. Chapter 1: Capture

Ok, first off, this is a completely and TOTALLY whacko story, so no offence if I get some Harry Potter facts wrong.

And I don't own any of these characters... blah blah blah... besides, If I ever did own some of these characters, I would probably give em to someone who would cherish them more than I.

Thanks to the reviewers, I have now looked this over, and to all you holy grailers out there, sorry, I didn't technically include the entire scene correctly, it was just taking so long, and it really dosent make much difference, AND its not as funny as the Holy Grail ANYWAYS

"I cant believe that we are in classes while Lord Voldemort is raging war on us" said Harry as he left his first potions class. "At least Snape has left to go help the war effort"

"Yea, Mr. Talon is a much better potions teacher" Ron replied, "He seems to really know what hes talking about, and he dosent hate us like Snape did."

"I don't know, Snape was mean, but Mr. Talon doesn't seem quite as good" Hermione moaned.

"How can you say that?" replied Ron, indignantly, "Im getting WAY better grades now"

"Yea, me too, well the change isn't as drastic as Ron's" said Harry, nudging Ron, "What can I say, mine didn't have as far up to go" as Harry grinned.

"Hey, your only getting better grades cause he isn't giving as hard tests, your not really learning it as well" Hermione whined, while obviously not looking at Ron in a loving way (take that Hermoine/Ron fans) (no offence)

(ok, a little offence)

"Well, all I care about is that the first day of classes is over" muttered Ron, "Lets go outside for a while, get some fresh air"

The three walked outside, and began walking around looking at the scenery. As they began heading back to the front entrance to Hogwarts, Harry noticed something.

"Hey, something is wrong." Harry said worriedly

"What is it?" asked Ron, a little afraid

"My scar is hurting!" Harry said quietly

"Look, something is coming out of the forest!" Hermione said

Out of the forest came 3 shadows, hard to see, except against the sunlit grass.

In front of them three figures suddenly appeared, Harry recongnized them instantly, Ron and Hermione, not quite as fast.

"Voldemort!" shouted Harry Ron and Hermione simultaneously. Looking at Voldemort

Beside Voldemort appeared two of the Death Eaters that Harry saw during the Triwizard incident.

Harry drew his wand, and Voldemort drew his, Voldemort shouted in an ancient language unknown to Harry Ron and Hermione, and a bright flash emanated from the tip of his wand, knocking Harry Ron and Hermione to the ground, paralyzed.

Voldemort approached, followed by the two Death Eaters, and he drew a wicked looking dagger, when suddenly...

"LOOK, IT'S A WITCH!!!" shouted a peasant (who looked an awful lot like someone from monty python) among the mob approaching from across the lake shortly before he was turned into a newt by one of the Death Eaters.

The peasants charged, and overpowered Voldemort, Voldemort tried to blast them with a magical spell, but they seemed to be immune to the spells, especially the spells that impaired brain activity.

They gathered the wizards wands, for the sole purpose of making a fire out of them, not cause they realized they needed them for spells.

The mob gathered up the six people and began to drag them back, after binding them with rope.

Unfortuantely, the peasants carrying Harry, Ron, Voldemort, and the two Death Eaters didn't know how to swim, and drowned at the bottom of the lake they were crossing, dragging Harry, Ron and the others down with them. Only Hermione and her mob of peasants survived (including the newt guy)

Later...

The peasant mob dragged Hermione into town...

"Hey, she dosent look quite right, we need to strap a nose on her, and put a hood on her, she's already wearing a robe." Said a peasant.

"Good Idea" said the recently recovered, former newt peasant.

After dressing up Hermione...

"WE HAVE FOUND A WITCH, MAY WE BURN HER?" shouted the mob, to the so called scientist of the village.

"How do you KNEAU (heavy accent) that she is a witch?" replied the muggle scientist.

"SHE TURNED ME INTO A NEWT!!!" shouted a peasant

"..."

"I got better..."

"Ah"

-------------note: if you have watched Monty Python and the Holy Grail, nothing suprising happens here, you might as well skip to chapter 2, and for you people who find this kind of long, it really dosent change the plot at all, so if you want theres a one line summary at the end if you want to skip this and watch the good version of this scene-----------

"IM NOT A WITCH, IM NOT A WITCH!" shouted Hermione hoping they would believe her.

"But you are dressed as one!" replied the scientist.

"They dressed me up like this!" replied Hermione.

"Did you dress her up like this?" asked the scientist

"NO! NO! No! no... well... yes, no, well, yes... a bit, a BIT... a bit" replied the mob

"just the nose"

"the nose?"

"and the hat"

"ah"

"BUT SHES A WITCH!!!" shouted a peasant

"People people please, there are ways of TELLING weather she is a witch"

mass confusion

"What do you do with witches?" asked the scientist

"BURN THEM!!!" replied the mob

"Gooooooooooooooooooooooood"

"What do you burn, apart from witches?" asked the scientist

"MORE WITCHES!!!" replied the frenzied mob

-short pause-

"wood?"

"Gooooooooooooooooooooooooood" replied the scientist

"what do you do with wood?"

"bridges. BUILD A BRIDGE OUT OF UR!" shouted the mob

"AHH but can you not ALSO build bridges out of STONE?" replied the scientist

"oh yea..." replied the mob

"Does wood sink in water?" asked the scientist

"NO" replied the mob, glad to know the answer, "NO, it... it FLOATS!!!"

"What also floats in water?"

"pebbles, churches! LEAD, really small rocks!"

"A DUCK!" said a distinctive voice

"EEEEEXACTLY!" replied the scientist

"So, logically if someone weighs the same as a duck..."

stunned silence

More stunned silence

Yes, even more stunned silence

"that shes made of wood?" replied a peasant

"GOOOOOOOOOD!!!"

they rushed Hermione to a scale with a lot of ducks on one end, and her on the other. The scale of course couldn't actually tip one way or the other.

After they decided that Hermione weighed the same as a duck they rushed her off to burn her

---------for those who either don't understand what happened, or decided to skip it, the mob is bout to burn Hermione--------


	2. Chapter 2: Escape

Ch2

Ha ha, becha didnt expect a second chapter didja?

Thanks to all the people that reviewed chapter 1, even the people that didn't like it, thanks for giving me some tips to work on. (but I still like good reviews) (duh)

As the mob dragged Hermione off, a few familiar figures began walking through the town, they looked almost rich compared to the townsfolk about them, cause the clothes they were wearing were clean.

"Sure is a good thing Dumbledore was coming back when we were drowning" Harry said "we would have drowned otherwise" (did you really think I would kill Harry?)

"Yea, he has been so busy with the war lately, he hardly ever is at the school anymore, the chances of him finding us right then are..." said Ron (did you really think I would kill Ron?)

"The chances are astronomical"

"Well, whatever the chances are, it's a good thing we got out, otherwise we wouldn't be able to get Hermione back, and who knows what that mob is going to do to her"

"They are going to burn her"

"How do you know?"

"That's what they do with witches here"

"How do you know that?" asked Ron indignantly

"That's what they are going to do to that witch over there" Harry replied, pointing to Hermione

"THAT'S HERMIONE!" shouted Ron

"No its not, Hermione didn't wear a fake nose"

"Oh, yea, good point, must be someone else"

"HARRY, RON!!!!!!" shouted the witch with a fake nose

"See, told ya it was her" sneered ron

"HELP!!!!" shouted Hermione after taking off the false nose

The mob, somehow realizing that "harry" and "ron" were witches, began to charge towards Harry and Ron, and just as they were about to reach them Ron handed Harry a wand

"I thought that they burned these!" shouted Harry quickly trying to remember a nifty spell

"Dumbledore regenerated them right after he revived me"

The mob reached Harry and Ron right before they had a chance to cast a spell, and the mob ran right past them and grabbed two guys that were standing behind Harry and Ron.

"MORE WITCHES!!!" shouted the mob

"Wait a second..." shouted Harry, "those are guys, guys cant be witches can they?"

"Oh yea, I guess not, can they?" replied some of the peasants in the mob

"Well, what are they then?" asked another peasant

"I think they would be called wizards" replied Ron

"Well, what do we do with wizards then? Are we supposed to burn them too?" asked yet another peasant.

"No, your not supposed to burn wizards, your supposed to just be nice and offer the wizard a nice cup of water" replied Harry, who was a bit thirsty, until he saw how clean their cups were as they offered "harry" and "ron" a drink

a/n: "harry" and "ron" are not Harry and Ron, in case your confused

during all the confusion, Hermione managed to get away, and made a straw dummy really quickly out of nearby straw, and filled her robe with it, and strapped on the fake nose, and placed the dummy where she was a little bit ago.

The mob then went back to "Hermione" and began to burn her, and were very satisfied with how well she seemed to burn, during which time, Hermione ran around the mob, and caught up with Harry and Ron


	3. Chapter 3: Time Bunnies?

YAY, Im happy, no particular reason...

Oh, I don't own Harry Potter, his friends, or his glasses, don't own python either

OH, important note, I decided to go a little differently with this, so several of the scenes will be slightly different, and possibly in different order, so im not just inconsiderate

ANYWHO

Chapter 3

Harry, Ron, and Hermione ran away from the village

"Who are they? Where are we?" asked Hermione

"I don't know" replied Harry

"It looks like some kind of medieval village" Ron said

"But how could that be?" asked Hermione

"Time bunnies" replied Harry

"What...." Asked Ron and Hermione

"You know, time bunnies, they sneak up on you, and when they bite you, you time travel" replied Harry

"What...." Asked Ron and Hermione

"Look, do you really want me to spend time coming up with some weird reason that we seem to have time traveled? It makes absolutely NO difference to the story" replied Harry

"Good point" Ron and Hermione replied in unison

They put on their cloaks and were about to continue along a random road, when they saw a few figures approaching, one had two halves of a coconut.

"Where'd he get the coconut?" asked Ron

"Dunno, could it have been a swallow, maybe African?" replied Hermione

"Actually it was probably one of the ancient coconut carrying hippogryphs" said Harry

"Hello old woman" said a kingly man

"MAN" replied Ron, grumpily

"Man, sorry" the Kingly man said

"Im 15!" Ron replied indignantly

"What"

"Im 15 Im not old"

"Well, Im sorry, but from the behind you looked rather like..."

"I OBJECT, you automatically treat me like an inferior!"

"Hey Ron, wh.. OH, how do you do?" Hermione said

"Excuse me, who is your lord?" asked the man

"Lord?" asked Ron

"Yes, who is your lord?" asked the man

"We don't have a lord" replied Ron

"What do you mean, who lives there?" asked the man, pointing

"Uhhh no one lives there" Ron said, looking at the mound of dirt that the man was pointing at

"come on, lets go" said Harry as he turned (temporarily) the King, and his squire, and his companion into newts


End file.
